


Doctor, You Can't Do That!

by LicieOIC



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alien Gender/Sexuality, Aliens Made Them Do It, Anal Sex, Character Death, Crack, Drag Queens, Dress Up, Dubcon Kissing, Dubious Consent, Face Slapping, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, Humor, Nudity, Out of Body Experiences, Sex Pollen, Slapping, Swearing, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1432756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LicieOIC/pseuds/LicieOIC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A humorous series of short fics and drabbles of tropes that people generally stay away from, to illustrate that the action itself is not abuse, it's the intent behind it. Crackfic, plain and simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dressing Up As The Opposite Sex

**Author's Note:**

> KelKat9 was my beta, but all comments should be directed at me. 
> 
> This is the result of a discussion that addressed the notion of "You shouldn't ever write XYZ." I resolved to take all the tropes that people said were 'no-no's and turn them into cute, humorous situations. If you have another trope to add, please let me know, I'll see if I can come up with another little chapter!
> 
> This is NOT a attempt to make light of real life situations, which are, of course, serious. This is an attempt to make light of fic situations, which CAN be funny, and show that you CAN write about these tropes. Like the Doctor says, never say 'never ever!' It's about freedom of fic, fandom, and writing in general. However, if you really cannot see the humor in these things, please do not read, I don't want to make anyone overly uncomfortable, I just want to make you laugh. ^_^

They’d landed on the planet Victor in order to rescue the hypnotized crown princess of the sister planet, Victoria. They’d secured places for themselves with the traveling acting troupe hired to perform at the wedding, courtesy of the psychic paper, but in order to blend in, they’d had to go back to the Tardis to change clothes.

Men on Victor wore sequined dresses and gowns, while the women wore sharp suits. It was apparently the height of virility and femininity, respectively, on that planet. As Rose was finishing tying her bright red tie in the full length mirror, the Doctor came down the spiral stairs of the wardrobe room, his pink heels clacking on the grating. The shiny pink dress was high-necked with long sleeves, but quite form-fitting on his skinny frame, falling to about mid-thigh.

Rose turned and whistled at him. “Doctor, you’ve got quite a set of legs on you! I don’t know why you don’t wear dresses all the time.”

He lifted up one foot at the knee, striking a ‘cute’ pose with his arms at his sides. “Yep! I really won the lottery with this regeneration!” He angled his chin at her, smiling at her charcoal gray three piece suit. “You don’t look half bad yourself. Something about that waistcoat is really doing it for me.”

She lifted an eyebrow at him and gave him a cheeky smile. “I think it might have something to do with how it pushes my breasts up.”

“Well, that red tie _does_ draw attention to that area.” He handed the sonic over to her. “Mind holding onto this for me? No pockets.”

She giggled as she took it from him and stuck it inside her jacket. “And no cleavage, either.”

“Oi!” He put his hands on his hips and primly smoothed the dress. “I’ll have you know, I am the _perfect_ size for my bone structure.” Nose held high, and with a slight sway of his hips, he marched down the stairs toward the door. Rose shook her head and followed after.


	2. Rose Being Slightly Less Enthusiastic About Sex Means It's Dub-Con

Rose sighed deeply as she closed the doors of the Tardis behind them, more than ready for sleep. They’d been caught up in ending a slave trading racket on the latest alien planet and Rose had been awake for nearly twenty hours. The Doctor could handle that sort of thing with ease, but her poor human body needed rest. So, when she saw him getting his kit off in the middle of the console room, she remembered their conversation of almost a day prior and groaned a bit.

“Do we really have to do it now, Doctor?” she asked, leaning on the railing, tiredly. “I mean, I know we said when we got back, but… I’m knackered.”

He pouted, his bright pink lower lip jutting out almost a full inch. “But Roooose…” he whinged. “We saved the day! It’s time for ‘everybody lives’ sex!”

She sighed again, looked at his large, melting puppydog eyes, then unfastened her jeans and wiggled out of them. After a year and a half of excruciating unresolved sexual tension and finally getting him to unleash his inner randy Time Lord, it occurred to her she shouldn’t waste a good thing. There had been too many days in her room with the Doctor’s sonic, enjoying Rose Personal Time. Those days were well and truly over so, tired or not, she wasn’t gonna waste that talented tongue of his. 

The Doctor held his fists up to either side of his face and squealed happily.


	3. Surprise Kissing Means It's Non-Con

As they were walking out of the treeline toward the camp, a stiff wind suddenly gusted up out of the nearby canyon, making the Doctor upwind of his companion. He suddenly grabbed Rose by the arm and turned her to face him, planting a big wet kiss on her lips. She made a surprised noise, her eyes going wide, then fluttering shut as he kissed her hungrily, his tongue swiping broadly along hers.

When he pulled back, still holding her upper arms, he sighed in obvious ecstasy, sagging a bit as his eyes rolled. "I hadn't thought you'd actually do it," he said, dreamily.

"Do what?" Rose asked, in utter confusion. _"I_ didn't do anything, _you_ just hauled off and kissed me!" She blushed. "Honestly, I never thought you'd do _that_."

He furrowed his brow at her, releasing her arms and standing up a little straighter. "No, no, no, I meant, you actually bought the banana flavored lip gloss at the market! I smelled it on you when the wind changed. Erm..." He rubbed the back of his neck and offered a shy smile. "Mind reapplying so I could have another go?"


	4. Aliens Make Them Do It

Rose and the Doctor stared at the hopeful faces of the green skinned parishioners, looked at each other, and then back to the king who had knelt before them on the ivory steps of the enormous cathedral.

“Please,” the ruler said in his high pitched voice. “We know it’s a lot to ask of two strangers to our planet, but it was foretold long ago that two pale skinned visitors would bring great prosperity as the new priest and priestess.”

“So, your whole _planet_ gets blessed if we do it on your altar?” asked Rose. She turned to the Doctor, excitedly grabbing his arm. “Oh, we’ve GOT to shag, this is a whole new page in the ‘Awesome Stuff We’ve Done’ scrapbook! Now you can say you’re also a Doctor of Divinity!”

“I don’t think being named a high priest makes me _that_ kind of priest, Rose, but… us on the altar doing the horizontal mamba,” he said with a glint in his eyes. “This could even be better than that time we had a bit too much Paratol Hookah and took a naked run in the bouncy castle!”

Rose laughed. “We got chased for violating twenty three laws!”

He stared into space for a moment with his tongue against his top teeth as he reminisced, then turned to her a wild look in his eyes. “Let’s do it! That scrapbook definitely needs another page!” He looked at the king who had tears of joy in his eyes. “Is it just the one altar or are there several?”

* * *

_A few weeks later…_

Rose wandered into the console room, an empty tea tin in her hand. “Doctor, did you finish off the good tea from the planet where they had us shag? You could have mentioned we were out.” She set the tin down on the jump seat and looked at him expectantly. “Can we go back to get some more?”

He emerged from a hole in the grating, wearing his headlamp, his eyes wide and bright at the thought of returning to Akkatorior. “Ooooh! And they had the _best_ chocolate! Welllll, it’s not really chocolate by Earth standards, but it’s a close approximation for that side of the universe, and they’ll give it to us for free since we’re their chosen priest and priestess!”

She tilted her head down at him, frowning. “Now, you know that’s not fair to their economy if we just allow them to give us whatever we want.”

“But it makes them so happy!” She merely lifted an eyebrow at him. He rolled his eyes as he climbed out of the inner workings of the Tardis and slammed the grating shut. “Oh, all right, fine. We’ll shag on the altars again. Everyone always buys those prayer beads right after we ‘bless’ them. It’ll provide an adequate boost to their economy.”


	5. Anal Sex

"You have to put it... WHERE?"

Rose had sneezed on a vendor at an alien outdoor market, and now the entire community was in an epidemic. The Doctor was the only one allowed contact with her in the sterile quarantined room in the basement of their hospital. He shrugged his shoulders, trying to be nonchalant about what they would have to do in order to create a cure for the people. "They need a sample of your Earth diet and _apparently_ , we use our hands too much, so it would contaminate the sample."

"But you don't use your--"

He made an abrupt motion with one hand. "Let's just leave it at that."

"What about gloves?"

"Contamination."

"Speculum?"

"Contami--"

She huffed, irritated. "And your WANG isn't going to contaminate it??"

He looked up at the ceiling, rubbing the back of his neck. "Something about it being hardly used--"

Rose sighed, scrubbing her hands down her face. "I get it. You're going to have to bonk me in the arse. Let's just get it over with. I suppose we can’t even use lubricant, that’ll just be ducky."

“No, we can, as long as it’s part of your diet.” He held up a bottle of vegetable oil that he must have retrieved from the Tardis galley. She groaned.

* * *

_Later that day…_

The Doctor found her in the Tardis library, curled up on the sofa. He sat down on the other end, tapping his fingers on his knees, nervously. He glanced her way, noting her biting her lip and her hands tightly clasped in her lap.

“Penny for them?” he asked.

“Definitely one of the weirder things we’ve had to do, right?” she asked, eyes on her hands as she fidgeted with her thumbs.

“Oh, I dunno,” he said, casually. “Odd things are kind of what we do. You can never tell what’s going to save the day in our life. In fact, on a weirdness scale, I’d say this probably doesn’t even rank in the top twenty.”

“Really?” she looked at him, hopefully.

He gave her a reassuring smile. “Definitely.”

She looked down, then up through her lashes, her eyes heated. “So, you wouldn’t mind giving it another go sometime?”

His mouth parted in surprise, then split into a wide grin. “Under less duress, I think both parties might have a bit more fun and ohhhhh, with the banana lube this time! Yes. Banana flavouring makes everything better!”


	6. Killing Off River

"Oh, no! River fell into the Eye of Harmony!" 

The Doctor angled his body to look over the edge of the scaffolding, where a faulty rail had been the culprit of River’s speedy demise. He shrugged lightly. “Mm. That’s unfortunate.” 

Amy blinked at him. “You’re not… going to angst about it?”

He shook his head and straightened his bow tie, heading for the door back into the main part of the Tardis. “Nah, she'll be back. She's like the Master. Or Rory. They always find a way. I swear, their middle name is ‘Boomerang.’”

“Hmm,” she said, following him. “Well, good to know this adventure won’t be overshadowed by your Man Pain.”


	7. Slapping

The Doctor did a few running steps in place, lifting his knees high, and shaking his hands out at his sides. He growled a little bit and shook his head, his hair waving back and forth as he psyched himself up. "Okay, Rose! I'm ready! Here we go! Tuesday Slap Day! Right in the face!"

Rose would never regret making that Slap Bet with the Doctor after he failed to land them in the right era for the sixth time. Now, anytime he landed on a Tuesday, it was Slap Day. She grinned as he angled his face toward her and squeezed his eyes shut.

“And you’re still sure about this?” she asked with a slight giggle.

“Told you, Rose, superior Time Lord physiology, I’ll barely feel it and I always honor my bets! Now, lay one on me,” he said as he shook both his legs, then bent slightly forward at the waist.

“You should just be glad you made the bet with me and not mum.”

“Oh, yes! AUGH!” She caught him on his right cheek, just at the end of the sentence, always trying for a surprise approach. The one concession she made was always hitting the right cheek, as his left was still feeling Jackie Tyler’s slap, a regeneration later.

“Woo!” he exclaimed on an exhale, then drew in a sharp breath through his nose. “Better than an energy drink from Arbust C!” He maneuvered the controls of the Tardis, sending them flying through the Vortex. “Let’s go do something fun, I feel like I could run a marathon after that slap!”

“Better hope you don’t land on another Tuesday,” she said, catching her tongue in her smile. “Because that falls within the rules of the bet!”

His eyes widened. “Er. Right.” He ran around to the other side of the console. “Tell you what, let me just double check these co-ordinates...”

Rose nodded to herself in satisfaction. He was learning.


	8. Touching Without Express Permission Means It's Dub-Con

He’d intended to land them on Mockdu 4. They didn’t find out it was Mockdu 5 until they were arrested for inappropriate contact. They sat, side by side, in the tiny prison cell on the single narrow bench that was the sole piece of furniture. Rose was glaring at the door in front of them, as if she could make it open with the force of her gaze. The Doctor was staring at the ceiling, leaning back on his hands… That is, until he reached out with one of them and squeezed Rose’s nearest breast.

“Doctor!” she exclaimed, batting his hand away. “Stop that!” 

He had the good grace to look sheepish. "I can't help it Rose! It's the subconscious hive's fault!" 

Mockdu 5 was different from 4 in several ways, but the primary difference was that repetitious thought processes became actions, with or without the permission of the person. The Doctor had explained that it was essentially a lowering of the inhibitions, making them SO low, that you didn’t even realize what you were doing. This was punctuated by the Doctor grabbing her breast again. 

Rose smacked his hand. "Doctor, stop, I mean it! That's why we ended up here in the first place!" 

"No, we ended up in here because you squeezed my bum." 

"You were squeezing mine at the same time, so it's BOTH our faults." 

He had no answer to that… except to squeeze her breast again.

"DOCTOR!!"

“Well, you have to admit, you have some very distracting breasts, Rose! I’m doing my  _ best  _ to keep my mind off of them, and it’s not easy when you’re sitting there being all… there.”

His big brown puppy eyes looked so sad. And full of longing. She sighed and turned to face him, arching her back and holding her arms out to either side of her. “All right, go ahead. Get it out of your system.”

With a delighted little noise, the Doctor turned on the bench and reached out with both hands, to cup and squeeze, fondle and caress to his hearts’ content. 

After a few minutes, as she started to realize there wasn’t going to BE an end to this and wondered if he’d EVER get it ‘out of his system’ and exactly HOW long he’d been wanting to feel her up, she asked, “When do you think they’ll let us out of here?”

“Oh, few hours at most. Why?”

She deftly removed her shirt and set it aside, making him pause his actions for a moment and stare openly. “Because I know you, and you’re going to start thinking about tasting them soon, and I’d rather keep the drool off my clothes.”

“So sensible.”

“Aren’t I just.”


	9. Swearing

It was on the third attempt that all hell broke loose. The Doctor’s chosen Jenga block was not as unstructurally sound as he’d thought and the tower tumbled, resulting in Rose’s third win of the night. As she crowed triumphantly, beginning the ‘victory dance’ she’d perfected on the second win, the Doctor fell to his back on the floor and cried,

“FUCK!”

Rose abruptly stopped dancing on a gasp and stared at him as he sat straight up again, his eyes boggling, his mouth open.

“Doctor, you said ‘fuck!’” She slapped a hand over her mouth. “Now, _I’ve_ said it!”

“We’ve both said it,” he confirmed. “Rose, this is serious. Do you know what this means?”

“No, what?”

“We’re no longer a family show!” He bounced to his feet and began rapidly stripping out of his clothes, throwing the garments all over the media room. “Kit off, Rose Tyler! I’m _finally_ going to have my way with you in every single fantasy I’ve come up with in these past two years of unresolved sexual tension!”

“Finally!” she exclaimed as she attacked her clothing in similar fashion, giggling as he fell over in an attempt to get out of his trousers too quickly. She shimmied out of her jeans and plopped herself down on top of him, straddling his lap with a hungry look in her eyes. “Let’s _fuck_!”


	10. Rose NOT Buying All Of The Doctor's Bullshit

“You just leave us,” said Rose, her stomach plummeting as she looked at the man she’d come to love, realizing that she was just another human to him, one in a  _ long  _ line in his  _ long  _ life. “Is that what you’re gonna do to me?”

“No,” he said, at once. “Not to you.” 

Her eyes narrowed. She was a little tired of him half-saying things and never really explaining fully. "Well, why not? Am I special to you?" 

He blinked. Evidently, he hadn’t expected her to make him back up his statement. "Um..." 

“How am I different from Sarah Jane?” she went on, placing her hands on her hips. “From anyone else you've traveled with?”

"Um..." He pulled on his ear, avoiding her gaze.

"If you think you're so DESTINED to be alone, why do you keep picking us humans up, eh?" 

"Um..." 

She rolled her eyes. "Wow, fount of information, you are, Doctor." At least now she knew, the way to stop his neverending gob was to ask him to explain himself.

“It’s-- It’s the curse of the Time Lords!” he blurted out, at last. “I don’t die, I change, I regenerate, but humans, you wither and die! You leave me and I’m always alone!”

“OoooOOOoooOOh!” said Rose, waving her fingers at him like ‘jazz hands.’ “Cursed, are you? What, was there a space gypsy somewhere that zapped you? Do I need to locate an Orb of Wankdoucheitude so that you can get uncursed?” She heaved a short, exasperated sigh and put her hands in the air, as if physically stopping the conversation. "You know what, when you decide you've had enough of wallowing around in your misery and pull your head out of your arse far enough to realize that you don't have to be lonely just because you live a long time, I'll be in the Tardis."

The Doctor was left staring at her back as she walked away from him, shaking her head. He rubbed his neck, sheepishly. It had been a long time since someone called him on his behavior… Perhaps it was time to stop talking and start  _ saying  _ something. He hurried after her, the issues at the school could wait for a while.


	11. Rose NOT Sitting Around And Pining For The Doctor After He Acts Like An Arse

Rose looked up as the Tardis materialized in the middle of her mum’s living room. The Doctor emerged a moment later, a put-out expression on his face.

“Where were you?” he asked, hands on hips. “I came back and you were gone!”

She rolled her eyes. “You were gone for _hours_ , Doctor. I got hungry and the pantry was empty.” She reached into her newspaper cone for another chip. “Besides, you didn’t say I couldn’t leave the Tardis, you just didn’t want me coming with you because I might arse the science all up.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“You might as well have.” Her mobile beeped and she grabbed it to read the text and smiled. She held it up to show him a picture of her and a yellow skinned bald alien with bright blue eyes. “My new mate, Phillip! He’s a Trexa--” She frowned. “Now, he worked with me on this…” She looked up at the ceiling and carefully recited, “Trexacoritallaxus… or something.” She shrugged. “He’s just visiting, but he got a bit turned around so I helped him out. He bought me chips! And let me take a picture with him without his Shimmer, he found my curiosity flattering.”

“You wandered off and met a Trexacoritallaxian and had chips!” he exclaimed.

She shrugged. “He was nice and needed a hand. Unlike some aliens I know.” Before he could say anything further, she held up a hand. “Save it. I’m over it. Are you done? Can we leave yet?”

"That’s it?” he asked, his arms falling limply to his sides. “You went off on an adventure with some strange alien you met on the street, and you didn't miss me? Not even a little bit?"

She shrugged. "I knew you'd come back when you decided to stop being a wanker and well, I was a bit bored." She offered the newspaper cone to him. "Chip?"

He sighed, then reached down and grabbed a couple, shoving them in his mouth. “I guess that’s fair.”

“You _guess_?” she repeated. “You tell me not to come with you and then get all pouty when I’m not sitting around, pining for you?” She finished off the last of the chips and wadded up the newsprint, then threw it at his head, where it bounced off harmlessly. Rising from the couch, she moved past him into the Tardis. “Get over yourself, Time Lord.”


	12. Alien Sex Pollen And NOT Dealing With Emotional Fallout Afterward

Rose and the Doctor sat up almost at the same time, then groaned in pain and fell back on the bed. “Ohhh, my head,” moaned the Doctor, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Shh, don’t talk so loud,” mumbled Rose, covering her head with a pillow. A full minute passed before either of them could look at each other to assess the situation. “Doctor?” she whispered, just in case her head felt ready to explode again. “What just happened? Why are we both naked in my bed?”

“Um…” The Doctor looked down at himself, then patted the bed down until he found his glasses under his pillow. He put them on and examined Rose’s scrunched up face, the bed they were lying on, then lifted up the covers and peeked at himself. “Ahhhh, well…” he said and arched a brow at Rose. “We do indeed appear to be naked… naked in bed together.” 

Exhausting that trail of evidence, he then turned his head and looked toward the center of Rose’s bedroom where a little plastic tray of candy was sitting on the rug. Abruptly, out of the hazy fog drifting through his mind, what they’d been doing before they woke up together all came rushing back (along with a fresh wave of head pain). 

“Ohhhhh,” he groaned, laying his aching head back down on the pillow. “I believe we may have just shagged after eating that pair of purple jelly babies from the Wonka planet.”

“Really?” She rubbed her forehead, grimacing. “Oh. Yeah. It’s coming back to me now.” She sighed. “Blimey, those things pack a punch. I feel like I drank a whole bottle of hypervodka.” She propped herself up on one arm, shoving her bedhead out of her face. “So… No to the purple ones then?”

“Yep,” he confirmed with a slight nod. “No to the purple ones.” He grinned at her. “Let’s see what happens when we try blue!”

She giggled. “Are you sure you mean blue and not not-blue?”

“Ohhh, you’re never going to let me hear the end of that, are you?”

“It’s just, there’s a lot of not-blue in that tray, Doctor,” Rose said, batting her eyelashes innocently. “I don’t want to  _ misunderstand  _ you...” She shrieked as he proceeded to tickle her ribs, which was his only way of winning arguments these days.


	13. Body Swap Including Alien Bits And The Doctor Getting The Monthly Friend

“Oooooh! Multiple orgasms are brilliant!” cried Rose.

Outside his bedroom, the Doctor struck his face with his palm, shaking his head. “I spent all this time just working up the nerve to take my trousers off and you’re in there, going to town!” he called through the door. A gale of giggles was the response. “Well, now that I have, you are going to explain just what the hell I have between my legs!”

It had been a full day since they’d returned from their latest adventure, but the power level on the dying space station had been too low, so the transmat back to the Tardis had gone wrong. Their atoms came back together just fine, but something fundamental had changed.

She opened the door to his bedroom wearing a brilliant smile… and nothing else. “I don’t know why I never regenerated into a female body, Rose, the sex is without comparison!”

“Glad you’re having _so_ much fun, Doctor,” he said, then dropped his trousers and pants to the floor of the hall. “Now, what the fuck is _this?!”_

Rose and the Doctor’s minds had come back into the wrong bodies.

“Those are my bits,” said the Doctor in Rose’s body, as though it should be obvious.

“Okay, I get the internal bollocks, you’ve got a cooler core temperature than a human, but what’s with the little bumps on your penis?” asked Rose in the Doctor’s body, holding it by the slightly rounder tip to angle it to the side. He (because she was male for the moment) pointed along the shaft, at the tiny track marks that almost looked like prominent goosebumps. “It’s smooth on the downstroke, but they stand up on the upstroke!”

“So, you _were_ attempting a wank!” she said, wiggling her eyebrows. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist.”

“I’m just as curious as you, you git,” he said.

“Well, the bumps are meant to help keep it in place.”

“Keep it in place?” he exclaimed. “That’s completely backward!”

“Not for Time Lords!” she said. “Sex is a bit different for us!”

“Different, how?”

“Welllll…” She rubbed the back of her neck, her hazel eyes looking at the ceiling. It was a little strange to see the Doctor’s physical habits manifesting on a naked Rose. “We… make an entrance, as it were, and then… let the squooge do the work.”

He burst out laughing. “You call it a _squooge?”_

She frowned at him, her lower lip sticking out. “Humans have a million different words for ‘penis’ and you’re making fun of mine? Let me tell you, there is no Gallifreyan equivalent for ‘throat spackler!’”

He snorted. “And _how_ _,_ exactly, does _it_ do the work?”

She pulled on her ear, still not quite looking at him. “Well, it’s sort of… sentient.”

He gaped at her. “You have a SENTIENT PENIS??”

At that, she put her hands on her hips, scowling at him. “You bleed for five straight days and don’t die, how is _that_ normal?”

“Speaking of,” he said, “you’re going to _love_ that. I’m due this week. If we don’t find the parts for the machine to change us back soon enough, _you’ll_ be entertaining Aunt Irma.”

“Oh, good!” she said, clapping her hands together in mock enthusiasm. “Maybe then I’ll _finally_ get to understand why you _hate_ me all of a sudden for almost a week!”

He furrowed his brow slightly as the clapping motion made her breasts sway slightly. They looked… strangely more enticing from this angle. “Why are you not wearing any clothes?”

She goggled at him. “Seriously? Have you seen your body, Rose? I don’t think you should ever wear clothing at all! And I thought _I_ was the foxy one!” She ran her hands over her hips and up to her breasts, playing with them lightly. “I mean, these bits right here… _Amazing_ _!_ I could just touch them for hours and hours!”

The notion was emphasized by the… squooge… bobbing up and down. He looked down at it, wondering if the sudden attractiveness of the breasts was due to a little insistent voice that might be coming from the little head! “Erm… How is your sentient penis going to translate to my human brain?” he asked.

“Ohhh…” She exhaled a long breath. “Dunno.”

His grin was filthy. “Want to find out?”

In answer, she pounced on him.

* * *

_A few days later…_

Rose, still in the Doctor’s body, brought a hot water bottle up from the infirmary and knocked gently on the Doctor’s bedroom door. Without waiting for an answer, he opened it and walked softly inside.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

A long, low groan from under the blankets on the bed was the answer. “I remembered why I never regenerated into a female body…” said the Doctor in Rose’s body, miserably. “I’m not even sure that multiple orgasms can make up for this!”

He held out the water bottle, which she snatched away and squirreled under the covers. A loud sigh followed.

“I’ve got some brownies in the oven,” he said.

“I bloody LOVE you.”

He chuckled. Maybe, once they were back in their proper bodies, the Doctor would have a bit more empathy when Rose was suffering from her monthly visitor.


End file.
